Friday, September 18, 2009

Awake

Upon finishing my Mornings Photography Project this past Friday, (I use capital letters, as if it has earned its title,) I breathed a sigh of relief, nodded to myself internally, “Well done, Emily. You did not entirely screw that up.” And then immediately felt bereft.

In the past 30 days I have: taken sunrise hikes on the Mesa, followed the steam from my mug of tea as it curled upward in spirals that reminded me of my sister’s hair, made eye contact with a crow, forbade my children to take a bite of their breakfast before I photographed it, leapt over furniture to get to my camera as a hot air balloon drifted over my house, and generally looked at things in a new light. A long, generous light. The light that had just pulled itself over the horizon with great effort and whispered in jewel tones on the earth.

I’m going to miss those mornings.

Of course, there are mornings waiting for me on the other side of this project. Mornings I am just as free to photograph as those I just waded through. But there was something about having set that task for myself that made it all official; breakfast, tea, sunrise. Everything was simultaneously brand new and ceremonially significant. It felt as though I was permitted to creep from the hallways of normality into antechambers of sanctity. Ok, antechambers of sanctity is a bit much. But there is definitely something about the world at sunrise that has been kept secret from me for the better part of 31 years.

On the morning I walked along the Mesa to capture the picture of The Flatirons at sunrise, I was a little early. So I snapped a few pictures of blades of grass and the hillside. And then a sense of wonder so intense it must have burst open inside my chest, washed through me and I thought I might vomit. Vomiting was the most poetic movement that occurred to me at the moment. The earth was shades of gray and pale blue in the crisp, delicious chill of morning. The day was not yet alive. I held my breath, feeling like I was invading a private moment, a birth.

The sun rose, dripping red and orange and pink onto the landscape and those colors ran like honey down the chin of the world and drove the pallid stillness from moments ago into the retreating night. The mountains ignited and the hills took a breath, even the grass seemed to flutter with a new pulse.

It was me that had been delivered. I passed into new thought, new expression, new purpose and understanding…

And then an elderly Yellow Lab trotted up and perched herself on the toe of my shoe. Right in the middle of my spiritual awakening.

Her owner trotted up behind her a minute or so later. They were lost. Putting my new found enlightenment to good to use, I pointed them in the right direction.

And then I scurried home, eager to see the divinity I had just encountered on the hill through my viewfinder, displayed in all its glory in full screen.

Forgive me, it was lack luster. By the time I got home, my family was awake and in full, morning-insanity mode. (That is what mornings have meant to me: harried people; loud, inarticulate, adolescent arguments; thrown elbows; thin skin…) I pulled the images from the camera and ticked through, erasing several hundred of the more blurry ones. I searched but I couldn’t find it. I couldn’t find that moment I’d had on the hill wherein my heart beat in time with a bigger plan; that cosmic shift of thought and being.

None of it was anything that could be captured, held between fingertips or on a memory card. As much as I wanted to share the moment I’d had, it belonged to only me.

In my own heart, that sunrise is metallic. Bronze. Ruby. Gold. Banishing a dreadful chill inside when I allow that sun to crest the horizon of my discontent. When I choose to be awake.

On that morning and 29 others, I chose to be awake.

9 comments:

flutter said...

gorgeous

stefanie said...

I've enjoyed your mornings - the photos and the quotes. Thank you.

Moxy Jane said...

I think that's the struggle of all things artistic - to try and capture the energy and passion and PUNCH of these sort of moments...but it's nearly always impossible as it's OUR personal experience that makes the moment so powerful. It's our needs in that moment that create the synergy, the connection...and that can't always be captured and shared, although we're driven to try.

(I also so totally relate to having these amazing, divine experiences, filling me with inspiration, and then coming home to my chaotic family and just feeling like a balloon stabbed by scissors. But it's really because of them that I'm in these places of need and am able to be open and appreciative of light and love and magic.)

Jodi Anderson (from The Women's Colony) said...

As much as I hate to say it, because this happens to me as well, doesn't it seem like the most precious moments are only to be remembered ... not captured.

I both hate and love that about life.

Very, very touching though.

racheld said...

Emily,

I just LOVE this!! You captured the moment for me---I have no camera skills, and just try to draw a picture with words; your own art is magnificent.

The having and the keeping is sometimes so fragile, we just smile a secret smile in the KNOWING.

painted maypole said...

i loved the series... the pictures AND the quotes. And choosing to be awake is something we can do all day long.

Christine said...

yes, ritual. it can awaken our senses, our hearts.

i loved your series and it makes me happy that you enjoyed it so much.

Furrow said...

It sounds positively magical. But maybe it needed to have an ending in order to keep its magic. You've inspired me. To what? I don't know. But I feel I need to find something.

Katie said...

This post hit home with me, especially the forbidding of eating before photography :) Love your photos!